apologies for my fragmented thoughts

last Spirit Alive Gala Concert ever. wow, i think i'm still missing some words in the title hahah. i guess we'll see how it goes, while miiiilking it all the way through (i hope). no more room for bitterness, Ms. Snappy. no use in anything that wasn't of me before these rough moments of my Life, highschool life, my life after there was Love. be as immature as please kids, it's our last show anyway i'm sure that means of no significance to many of you.

thank you to those who understood / still understand. i wish the rest of you did, but we'll see better days... thank you thank you for coming out & not scoffing behind my back upon inviting you to the last day of my Life. like i mentioned in proceeding posts, forever in my Heart.

in Your hands, in your hands.

this one's for You.

despite my sickness in the face due to congestion from the more than a cold
despite my broken jaw of mine own Kingdom
despite my frailties and how often i immerse myself in them
despite my selective hearing / vision / errthang that i use as a scapegoat day in, day out
despite my lack of focus that bites me in the ass time and time again
despite my failure and fear of it
despite my tears that i bury under my transparent thick lensed glasses
despite my yearning just to be something better for me & something more for you
despite my my pessimistic vibe and careless attitude
despite my love to pursue a challenge and the danger that creeps behind it

despite all this and more, i still managed to witness something beautiful. but it was the beauty of realizing what i had almost lost as well as what i know i'll have to let go of all too soon.

Tony Araujo your musicality scares me. scares me because your honesty reflects mine.. so as we mirror each other and make music, i make my world crash down to nothing. nothing because everything becomes meaningless and of no value. nothing because you always have the exact touch that mingles me and my First Love together once again. you allow me to continually go back

go back to where i came from
to why i do this
to when i loved this
to how i hold on to this

pretty soon, i'm going to graduate and i'll never be able to hear your aristry ever again. pretty soon i'll never get to feel love returned resulting from such artistry always given back. pretty soon i'll never have the blessed oppurtunity of simply hearing you play so musically ever again.

excuse my tears from rehearsal, i was just soaking it all in.

I managed to do it

the 'essay' for the Choral Activities scholarship. derived from past entries, so no you're not crazy for remembering a thing or too . . .

'The Choral Activities Award" is awarded to a student for outstanding achievement, consistent commitment, and leadership in the Choral program. In the space provided, explain why you are a good candidate for this award.

(Chicago'07 in the tiniest nutshell in the world. originators of CC love fasho, y'all)

It was the last few songs of our repertoire that night in Chicago. We were all exhausted; you can see it in the weariness upon our faces not simply from the emotion the text in the piece called for but also from the difficulty evident in the struggle to hold merely acceptable posture while singing. Nonetheless, we carried ourselves bearing the importance of engaging the imagination so not to illustrate the fatigue felt by all.

Before the last three pieces, I placed myself in deep metacognition completely unaware that I was doing so to begin with. As each song was sung, or more so embodied, I reached deeper dancing so passionately with my thoughts of love for the moment that took place. The years of pain, struggle and desperation were defeated by my heart, my music, my love that I’ve been breathing with since before such darkness. All my feelings of complete distastefulness for ones I most cared for, suffering for the ones I lost to God, and complete wretchedness for the one I feared most, me, all diminished by something I never knew could hold so much power.

More and more I released myself becoming vulnerable to every phrase within each song. I let the tears well within my eyes and pour down my face with no debate as I watched everyone in the choir, as well as the audience, engaged with our conductor, pianist, and ourselves. I wept and I sang managing to maintain vocal technique with my fellow artists delivering the intent of each piece even more successfully. We stayed with each other ‘til the very end. I would have never found the beauty that's been aching to paint itself on this dark blank canvas that's been draped over me all these years if it not for that moment.

I keep in mind this blissful occurrence every day so that I may create more spectacular instances for everyone I encounter. I live the fact that everyone deserves the best out of any situation, no matter the circumstance.

weak ending! but w/e, i had to somehow limit myself to 200 words even though i exceed with 340 ... k i'm sheepy. night night

Love, B

all-nighter #2. forreal, i really have no reason to. i could have finished my explication in an hour or so since i was half way done anyway. still, i took my sweet ass time. never really realized the importance of such a line until my conversation with John Ray a couple hours ago.

we were simply talking about our plans after high school. shoot homeboy, gj gj on your acceptance to UBC. you deserved it for suuure. upon asking me how my UCI /California plans were going, i thought about my real response to a commonly asked question. "haha, we've only gotten as far as moving there in two years" and that i might reconsider Berkley again since i found out it's only 3 hrs away from UCI!... something along those lines was what i managed to come up with.

he shot back with somethin somethin somethin ... "lots of time"...
so true.

i gave back in agreement saying that all in all, i'm just milking everything for what's it worth right now since i've spent practically my whole life doing ten million things at once. i've never really taken advantage of all the opportunities that have been so graciously handed over to me with a silver bow. i've never really taken into appreciation the time in between the times of everything, the "journey between the notes" as Edette (one of my conductors/role models in life) would say.

for this reason, i don't mind being tired throughout the whole day [i'll mos def need to catch a Z or too here there so as not to be too crabby at the bridal stores for grad dress shopping (grad is at the end of the month btw), or so not to fall asleep during 17 Again, or the CCCCC concert in the later hour] because i found a dang lotta stuff that i've been in search for these past few months. Andrew Garcia, Randall Stroope and his peoples, Sara Teasdale (once again). if it weren't for these crazy artistes, i would not have found the beauty that's been aching to paint itself on this dark blank canvas that's been draped over shoulders. i was almost in tears sitting leaned over the lap top with my ear against the speakers melting with the genuinity of his tone, that A flat Major chord so perfectly sustained; my hand to my chest as i read the brilliance of the convicted and trembling soul of such vulnerability in her poetry.

for this, for these moments i will
sleep no sleeps but
lie awake in "my sole self"or
risk sleeping in my own requiem.

"sleep keeps [me] away from [my] dreams"
you dope David Moore

Selah

- Lauryn Hill

Nothing can be done against the truth, No matter how we remain in denial
Wasting time Replacing time With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while

Coping with despair
Knowin' you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the son, Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule

Trapped in misery Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that I'm wearin' it like a skin
Dying to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin

Oh I'm such a mess, I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself and everyone else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong.

And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
That it is seen

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaves so foolishly
This treason from within That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til' it sees the death of me

Selfishly addicted To a life that I depicted
C o n f l i c t e d 'cause it's not reality
'Oh what's left of me?' I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree to what I know is best for me

Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

The choices that I make
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space

Should I die before I wake?

In all of my religion I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decision

Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Meditation
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
That it is seen

... And then he came.

Metacognition; 'thinking about thinking' at its finest. finally gave this song the lovin' it deserves. it started playing as I called out my usual "Thank you" to the bus driver. heard the first few chords followed by the first few words to the song and subconsciously headed in the direction to the park near my house.

can't recall if i've blogged about the significance of my expeditions to my most favorite place in the world, but in a nut-shell, having one of these always equal to momentuous levels of significance for me. i also find that its always some song that i'm listetning to that drives me to take a walk this walk back to reality (something to take note of). you'll probably get the jist of it as i continue on so i shall continue on ...

i remember the topic of dope Lauryn Hill / Fugees came up during SickStylz one time, and 'Selah' was brought up. i remember Cas' face lighting up upon hearing it; haven't seen this kind of joy in her eyes in a while. she ecstatically asked me if i knew the song, then she commented on the lyrics. haven't heard anyone speak about the lyrics to a song in a while too. & i mean the lyrics, yo. now i did have the song on my computer and in my mp3 (cus i'm so broke ass & my ipod got stolen in Cuba exactly last year), but it wasn't one of the songs of Lauryn's that i intently listen too. i remember the day so perfectly after our conversation. she danced with a new kind of meaning; there was a new kind of grace and liberty in her movement. she seemed so calm, so settled, at peace.

this entire moment replayed in my head as the song went on, and so i continued walking lit book in one hand, shoes that i grabbed from work to lend my sister in the other. the words were difficult to catch on at first, this due to my lack of focus as a stupid pedestrian. i thought and i thought and i thought constantly digging deeper. selah... selah... finally reached the park and a whole new atmosphere immerged, as with every adventure to this place. i walk a literal new path every time: crossing a different section in the grass, picking up my feet a ceratain way in the sand. i don't even make sure of it, it just happens. i walk to the place and in the way that song tells me, as if i was dancing in my own thoughts. selah... selah...

wow, i can honestly say that i can 'explicate' this song talking about it for hours and hours. & this isn't a conversation with confidence, for i still don't quite understand what Ms. Hill is trying to tell me. the equivocal-ity of brilliance she wrote about is just amazing. like Lisa & Ro said in lit earlier today, it's one of those (poems) that you enjoy simply reading so much because of the natural beauty each word was crafted in. still, you find it difficult when trying tell / write about every thought that both you and/or the (artist) have come across. you as the reader don't want to cross the line and misinterpret such a beauty.

i got home and looked up the lyrics still lost in her words, still with the song on replay. gosh, the verses speak for itself and i can 'close read' this song, line by line and will never capture its essence in its entirety.

though i misheard the hook, i think i caught a whiplash without even turning my head. those specific words within the chorus hit me so hard, i don't think i've ever felt this way about a song before.

And then He came, "Selah"
oh enemies
Praise and Meditation
And then He came, "Selahv"
Oh and it means
That it is seen

what's left to say is, this was the light that i needed. inspite of my intense bitter days that's just been stringing together, these wrong lyrics started such a fire within me. not a fire of passion, but of absolute pain. pain resulting from the stupidness of my thoughts, actions, and feelings. i've been angry with my friends for being stuck in themselves. i've been angry with my ma for (still) expecting to much from me. i've been angry with myself for listing meaningless excuses for my lack of muse, my disfavor for specific peoples.

... & all for what ?

Selah: "Let those with eyes see and with ears hear"
like 'Amen', stresses the importance of reality of what was said

i can't believe i thought so vulgarly
stared with deceiving eyes
spat with a quick tongue
spoke of utter frailites
not so much of myself, but of others.

And then God came, "Say love, oh enemies"
Praise in meditation
And then He came, "Say love, oh enemies"
D i d y o u t h i n k ' b o u t that ?
And then He came, "Say love"
That l o v e is seen .