Thursday, April 30

don't really know why i'm here, blogging, with barely anything to say at all. i don't feel compelled to write nor do i feel like i have something to say. super chill day today, nothing exciting or blog-worthy has taken place as of yet. i'm not lazy either. there's some sort of boundless vacancy within me right now, filling in the cracks of my empty thoughts and senseless agitation. kind of feeling, more so hoping for some sort of enlightenment . . . i'm not really worried about anything too. that's a first. currently in a loss of words. continually in search for words to explain the bare essential of my nothingness at the moment.

and still, i'm thankful for this. i've been in this state for a few days now, & i don't feel worthless at all. despite my "dull brain" in lit / eng class, the beginnings of my day.

mellow and beautifully amazing at the same time. i guess that just about covered it.
i think that's where i'm at right now. hmm.

take care of that beauty of yours.

Sincerely, B

Wednesday, April 22

Choir Tour '09: bittersweet. mos def updates later on the sweetness once all the pictures are up.

on a side note (i guess an ending note as well), 97 in Genser's class, YE!!!!
now that's a man of his teaching fashooo. every assignment, every essay, every class, heck every prayer initiated for every class i always felt rewarded for the hard work / strains / thinking process / contemplation i had put into everything asked for. haha btw, this is CE 12 (religion class) i be talkin' 'bout. there's no right or wrong answer to whatever efforts you put in. if what you say be earnest and tear jerking so be it. if they be heartless and bs-ed so be it. he lives by this, free of judgements, approaching with interest, intently listening with his eyes and heart.

i f o n l y e v e r y o n e w o u l d l i v e b y t h a t .

think of all the greatness perceived and achieved. almost like heaven, with every moment forever in felicity. the choice of happiness in continuance.

Wednesday, April 15

congrats B, your first all-nighter. time for chamber! ha ha ha ...

Sunday, April 12

"The cross is a symbol for our sins; the multitudes of burdens of which Jesus has carried for us and has fallen to his knees for. The sins which we gave 50 lashes to, crowned him with, hammered him with. The sins which suffocated him to his promised death so that we may die and live with him once again.

Yet still, the cross is the greatest love of all."

Happy Easter everyone.

Friday, April 10

I've been blogging quite a bit now, huh?

just wanted to write about last night so that i can never lose that moment. last night i experienced something entirely beautiful.

i actually prayed last night. like actually prayed; with my own words, speaking from my heart, letting them flow from with every heart beat and out my lips. like how it used to be. i was in such bliss, i did not want to open my eyes nor did i never want to move from my place. i was so moved by the moment at hand that i even sat in silence once words ran out just to prolong this other kind of happiness i was feeling. i smiled with my heart too, and with my eyes. the kind of feeling when you know you should be crying because of how much joy you're experiencing, but still, you were fulfilled. yeah that was me. that right there was the beginning of closure, and i did not want to leave for one second. i told God how scared out my whits to leave that place, that place of pure serenity. i was scared that i wouldn't be able to pray like that ever again.

another sense of enlightenment came upon me though: i absolutely can not live with out music. i've always admitted this cus i was born into music, but i've never realized the conviction i had for this simple statement until then . that moment . in Church . crazy eh?
more specifically, i can not be without choral music. i dont know how far this thought will take me, but i know how much importance it holds for me. i make such a big deal about concerts and such fighting for it at all costs because this music, in particular, reveals the side of me nothing else can. it unveils my heart for all the world to see. sadly, this will be the last time, my final bow. some people are fortunate enough to see and realize this. for them i'm truly grateful. all this revealed to you right now... its not even a pint size of the ammount of genuinity and true true self that i'm trying to articulate.

as selfish as it seems, i just pray that XPS doesn't happen just yet. or that it at the very least, that it happens on the Sunday night instead of both nights. i really want them all to be there. i'm already tres tres triste that Lanie and AJ can't be there. and i really want to be there too, performing with them. my only sure chance of being in PraiseTEAM, aha! now that i reeeeally think about, i miss the debuts for everything sickstylz: first practice, first party/chillage (outside of practice), debut in Vancouver, and now XPS. since Music came into my life, i've always been caught between my 2 (kinds of) loves: song and dance.

If all of you can be there that night of Saturday, May 30'09 at the Chan... I will never, ever forget you. You are/will be of great significance to me, & i shall carry you with me where ever i go and with whatever I pursue. I think you should see my passion at its finest since you are the reason i feel such love and joy day in and day out. You are the roots of my inspiration: the very basis of my loves. Your absolute prescence really does mean the world to me. Maybe one day you'll be fortunate enough to hear the whole journey with this gift Araujo has given me.

i really really hope you understand how important this is to me. i hope i hope i hope.

Wednesday, April 8

"Everything I'm not made me everything I am"

lovely words by Kanye, the great. i was just reading some past entries and i've come to realize quite a few things:

1) I swore a lot. i know that Mami and Ming have caught me as well as called me out on that one, but having proof laid out like that for me on this actually makes me feel disgusted with myself. not good, no sir.
2) I'm such a happy-go-lucky kind of person. i guess that ties in with my frequent cussing.
3) I have schizophrenia. k, i'm just being silly. hahaha. see numbers 1 and 2.
4) Skeptic's my middle name. as told by

skeptic –noun
1. a person who questions the validity or authenticity of something purporting to be factual.
2. a person who maintains a doubting attitude, as toward values, plans, statements, or the character of others.
3. a person who doubts the truth of a religion, esp. Christianity, or of important elements of it.

Bebe = all of the above

& within the fore-front of my mind i question to myself
...Why do i sound like such a bad person?

Now among this list, I must add that though these entries have been dated as far back as Christmas '08 [edit: December '07], I've already changed and grown so much from that bitter / weird babe.

I prefer not to cuss. Quite literally I apologize right after if my tongue slips every so often. This is then followed by that nasty stank look on yo' face when you wished you hadn't seen something despite the fact that it was entirely your fault, the fault of curiousity if you must. Yeah! That exact face you're making right now. 'Cept its because I let those unnecessary words out. Yeah, I actually cringe a bit inside when I or someone else lets loose in that way:$ Talk about change of heart, huh?

I'm still happy-go-lucky, I've always been and always will be just... stowpid. Haha. As proven earlier today:
walking / running from the choir portable to my locker bare foot [which requires me to go around the right side of the 'main building' and diagonally cross the street in my choir gown with my heels on my hands instead of my feet while wearing my grad sweater with my (last) name sprawled across the sleeve],
playing and having fun with my Subway grabage laughing almost in hysterics to myself,
leaving school half an hour later from dismissal because of the hour and a half I had spent cleaning and organizing Araujo's desk (which, i think, is messier than my room. so its REALLY messy) finding enjoyment in sorting out music, letters, notices, records, bills, submitted homework assignments, and miscellaneous vital or persnal info with colored sticky's , jumbo paper clips, manilla envelopes, page dividers, elastics, red pen / blue pen / black pen, e t c . funny cus i like this kind of stuff; hands-worthy tasks, but i don't like cleaning my room, haha! sooo holler if you's in need of something done (such as those listed above) =)

Yeeeeaahhh... I'm still 'schizophrenic', hahah. My personality changes every few hours, so catch me on the good o'clock. Just a quick run-down: people effect me and, therefor, I adjust accordingly. I get super-excited once I see good people. Come to think about it, I get excited over anything. Ice cream is the key to my heart (L). However, I'll get pretty impatient once I see these peoples acting mindlessly to certain situations. A lot of people don't take me seriously though. Haha, I'll leave it at that, otherwise this'll turn into some sort of 'LavaLife' commercial where I sell myself to men on the phone. Haha.

I'm slooowly, but surely, coming out of my skeptic shell. I don't want to live my life that way exclusively; in constant uncertainty and reliant on facts and solely my own opinions rather than manifesting intuition, feeling, impulse, heart. In the process of cracking that thing open too. Being judgmental and subjective is, in a lot of ways, what being incredulous calls for. I'd be contradicting myself if I were to say I wasn't in any way like that (though I'm not**) because of this kind of lifestyle I once lead. Everybody has the right to express themself however they please, otherwise there wouldn't be any room for love.I miss God too much anyway. I don't plan on staying agnostic or like Mother Teresa my whole entire life. I want to truly believe in the will of His instead of just following it from the pit of my stomach just cus I was born into it, yah feel me? Almost there, almost there. Finally, I don't want to seem like a bad person. Who would want to anyway? Yuh.

I forgot that I left my bible at school yesterday:( But have a look at "The Need to Persevere" Hebrews 10: 32-39. It's not exactly where it starts, but it's where it started for me.

Hebrews 10: 36 "For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised."

What really got to me was the bit after:
Hebrews 11: 1, 3 "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen... By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible."

Sorry for boring you, but I hope you'll have a good day tomorrow.

with Love, B

Tuesday, April 7

in the mean time . . .

actually, i'll read my bible for today. & maybe the two books that i've put off and that have been awaiting the lovely touch of my finger tips and the long look of intenisty from mine eyes. i should, rather, be sleeping early because of the chamber performance in the morning . . . come what may:)

b r b . . .

Friday, April 3

shoot. almost done with these 2-hours-of-sleep-a-night nights and poorly submitted, not at all, or just-got-luck assignments and essays and junk. tin, i love you but... i am HELLA neeeever ever ever going to have a debut. i guess not a wedding either since a debut is an 18th birthday wedding:( hahahahahahaha. last months of school too yo, and i'm going full force already. :'(

that is all.

goodnight Vancity.