Wednesday, April 8

"Everything I'm not made me everything I am"

lovely words by Kanye, the great. i was just reading some past entries and i've come to realize quite a few things:

1) I swore a lot. i know that Mami and Ming have caught me as well as called me out on that one, but having proof laid out like that for me on this actually makes me feel disgusted with myself. not good, no sir.
2) I'm such a happy-go-lucky kind of person. i guess that ties in with my frequent cussing.
3) I have schizophrenia. k, i'm just being silly. hahaha. see numbers 1 and 2.
4) Skeptic's my middle name. as told by dictionary.com:

skeptic –noun
1. a person who questions the validity or authenticity of something purporting to be factual.
2. a person who maintains a doubting attitude, as toward values, plans, statements, or the character of others.
3. a person who doubts the truth of a religion, esp. Christianity, or of important elements of it.

Bebe = all of the above

& within the fore-front of my mind i question to myself
...Why do i sound like such a bad person?

Now among this list, I must add that though these entries have been dated as far back as Christmas '08 [edit: December '07], I've already changed and grown so much from that bitter / weird babe.

I prefer not to cuss. Quite literally I apologize right after if my tongue slips every so often. This is then followed by that nasty stank look on yo' face when you wished you hadn't seen something despite the fact that it was entirely your fault, the fault of curiousity if you must. Yeah! That exact face you're making right now. 'Cept its because I let those unnecessary words out. Yeah, I actually cringe a bit inside when I or someone else lets loose in that way:$ Talk about change of heart, huh?

I'm still happy-go-lucky, I've always been and always will be just... stowpid. Haha. As proven earlier today:
walking / running from the choir portable to my locker bare foot [which requires me to go around the right side of the 'main building' and diagonally cross the street in my choir gown with my heels on my hands instead of my feet while wearing my grad sweater with my (last) name sprawled across the sleeve],
playing and having fun with my Subway grabage laughing almost in hysterics to myself,
leaving school half an hour later from dismissal because of the hour and a half I had spent cleaning and organizing Araujo's desk (which, i think, is messier than my room. so its REALLY messy) finding enjoyment in sorting out music, letters, notices, records, bills, submitted homework assignments, and miscellaneous vital or persnal info with colored sticky's , jumbo paper clips, manilla envelopes, page dividers, elastics, red pen / blue pen / black pen, e t c . funny cus i like this kind of stuff; hands-worthy tasks, but i don't like cleaning my room, haha! sooo holler if you's in need of something done (such as those listed above) =)

Yeeeeaahhh... I'm still 'schizophrenic', hahah. My personality changes every few hours, so catch me on the good o'clock. Just a quick run-down: people effect me and, therefor, I adjust accordingly. I get super-excited once I see good people. Come to think about it, I get excited over anything. Ice cream is the key to my heart (L). However, I'll get pretty impatient once I see these peoples acting mindlessly to certain situations. A lot of people don't take me seriously though. Haha, I'll leave it at that, otherwise this'll turn into some sort of 'LavaLife' commercial where I sell myself to men on the phone. Haha.

I'm slooowly, but surely, coming out of my skeptic shell. I don't want to live my life that way exclusively; in constant uncertainty and reliant on facts and solely my own opinions rather than manifesting intuition, feeling, impulse, heart. In the process of cracking that thing open too. Being judgmental and subjective is, in a lot of ways, what being incredulous calls for. I'd be contradicting myself if I were to say I wasn't in any way like that (though I'm not**) because of this kind of lifestyle I once lead. Everybody has the right to express themself however they please, otherwise there wouldn't be any room for love.I miss God too much anyway. I don't plan on staying agnostic or like Mother Teresa my whole entire life. I want to truly believe in the will of His instead of just following it from the pit of my stomach just cus I was born into it, yah feel me? Almost there, almost there. Finally, I don't want to seem like a bad person. Who would want to anyway? Yuh.

I forgot that I left my bible at school yesterday:( But have a look at "The Need to Persevere" Hebrews 10: 32-39. It's not exactly where it starts, but it's where it started for me.

Hebrews 10: 36 "For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised."

What really got to me was the bit after:
Hebrews 11: 1, 3 "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen... By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible."

Sorry for boring you, but I hope you'll have a good day tomorrow.

with Love, B

3 comments:

Beebs said...

dope, 11:11pm

zeniamarisol. said...

"Everybody has the right to express themself however they please, otherwise there wouldn't be any room for love"
wow, craaaaazyy, took me a while to get that line.


"Sorry for boring you, but I hope you'll have a good day tomorrow."

haha perfect ending:)

?onnel said...

"I miss God too much anyway". Me too. Thank you for this. Catch you on the rebound!(it's my new phrase. HA)