Sunday, December 6

athleticism and grace.. my goodness and the song.. perfect representation of the understanding that the bass or percussion isn't always necessary. the life connecting each move, the journey between each note, all the rests, and every value of the score.. every frame captured and prolonged for a million moments preceding the previous one.
all the heart danced to the very finger tips


Wednesday, November 4

Doesn't seeing this make you soooo happy?!!

hope your day gets better already. :)

Love, B

Saturday, October 31

To the King of Pop

so I watched This Is It with Jp, Shay, Cas, Marc, Shauna, and Ralph just a couple hours ago, & I can honestly say that it was one of the best nights of my life. I tweeted and facebook-ed saying something like, "'s all the inspiration you'll ever need in life, dancer or not." plain and simple, that 'movie' surpasses all the countless hours of youtube for a life time haha! I remember telling Kuyopet a couple days ago not to make fun of me if I cried:$ but I didn't realize exactly how much I would. I not only cried throughout the whole thing cus I was just so touched/was in awe, but also cus I didn't want to blink and miss even a mere second of any of it. the concert would have been extremely monumental for me since his last performance was over a decade ago; I could actually remember it this time. but he could not have left us in any better way.. "It's all for love." I wish everyone would just understand that.

we all left feeling so inspired, so moved and enraptured of what we were so fortunate to observe. of course we kept talking about the outstanding dance scenes (not that the whole movie wasn't outstanding) while mimicking them as well. we were all just so happy. there were some pretty extreme winds everywhere rattling the trees and such, but neither did it bother us or even make us feel cold at all. I even rolled down the window a little once my mom had picked me up from the skytrain just to let the wind blow in my face. I really wanted to take in as much as I could of the whole experience, though they were just winds.

Thank you so much for your love, Michael. I couldn't have done it in any better way.

Thank you.
thank you, thank you, thank you
r i p

Love, B

Sunday, October 25

today was too beautiful of a day, just want to be able to look back on it.

first off it literally was a beautiful day. the sun felt really warm + the winds were blowing so nicely, unlike how its been these past few days. I went all the way to UBC to grab some books for my research paper. I finally got to see what makes the campus so beautiful: autumn leaves everywhere, barely any people too [obviously since its a Saturday; I can actually hear myself in the SUB too]. got to explore A LOT more of the campus since the Music Library was kinda sorta on the other side. it took me a while to actually find it haha cus I thought the library was its own building. but wow was it rewarding. I felt like I was in Raise Your Voice; everywhere I turned there was something going on. I was just walking down the halls for a couple min and heard a Fine Arts group, (beautiful) pianist, and (stunning) opera singer rehearsing. it felt so(ul) good to feel such artistry again. goodness, I'm gonna change my topic I think..

"Every perfect work is the death mask
of its intuition.
The work is the death mask of conception." - Walter Benjamin
"...The death mask conjures a fleeting moment: the face frozen in death yet warm with life."

!!!! that was what the book began with! After finally getting the books I needed, I headed straight to Fitness Unlimited for Porson's workshop. shit was craaaazy yo. can't believe Vancity's dance community isn't as well known still. we gotta get on the map man, too much good shit in here haha. I missed Porson's and Donnel's collabo tho:( Bonus' was chiiiiill and Jerome & Ross: cotdamn as always. I hope they use that set for 24/7 or somethin. afterward I got hypothermia from drinking a slurpee and a Starbucks Double Shot outside while waiting for my bus. just kidding. but I was fuhreeeezing. then I arrived home to this. I miss those boys man <3

Too many good things happened today. could I be closer to home?.. *knock on wood**

Love, B

Sunday, October 18


this vid brought a lot of things into light for me, yet still, I can't quite make them out. "...trying to ignore your fears though they are still at your heels... But I believe deep inside where we want to be is home. To be where we are loved best of all. Wherever home is: family, friends, with God; no matter how far we stray away, its something inside us we always look for. We live searching for that comfort. A whole and pure sort of love."

Home... I have no idea where that is. I've been searching for that place for such a long time, but how do I know what I'm looking for or where it may be? what if it's not even real? I know I sound crazy for there's a "home" for everyone, even those unsheltered. but if I haven't gotten a clue as to what it actually felt like to once be there.. likewise if I have no memory of such a love or time.. then why do I still feel crummy? can't recall the last time I've entered a room just beeming cus I knew it'd be a good day. I'm not emz, forreal. haha. I just hate my stubborn persistence in catching fire, trapping wind, staring directly at the sun.

despite everything, I still live; I still love. & I am content.
therefor, this vid gives me hope.

on the other hand, Happy Birthday Donnel. thank you for your contemplative mind and heart, forreal. I really was looking forward to seeing you at prac today, aha.

"Minds innocent and quiet take / that for an hermitage." - Richard Lovelace
Love B

Saturday, September 26

Gooooooood MORNING!! :)

I was kinda cranky/meh when my sister woke me up this morning like she usually does. I wanted to sleep in sooo bad today! but I feel so good HAHA! like one of those mornings that feel great? HAHA I don't want to hype it up so much cus I'm not THAT happy, just not groggy. I feel good :)

don't think I've mentioned this yet, but.. laaast month(?) I had a dream that I was working at some place like the PNE and while I was running concession, this lady cut in front of the line cus she needed me to bring her to the washroom. I found out that she was having a baby :O not just any baby, but f/cken MUTATED babies!!!!! yes PLURAL!! it looked like some fricken The Matrix or some shit o.O then later on I was working at some hood restaurant and every time it switched scenes, I was having an abundant meal with lotsa lotsa rice with one of my family members HAHA!

yeeeeah.. I either dream WEIRD or not dream at all and with that, I never remember my dreams LOL. so I searched it up and discovered that baby dreams calls for important/significant change, mind you there were mutant babies meaning BIG change. rice means good fortune? food is good and settlement in the home.. somethin like that. haha oddly enough, it's all practically true! I'm a freaking freshman!!! I work in retail and I hope to get a start on choreographing, or at least freestyling, whenever I can *knock on wood**

Corpus is a whoooole lot better than expected. at first, I was hella NOT excited about going there: small school, same faces, small school. aha! I've been university bound since the day I was born. doesn't help when you get accepted to your dream school too. but nah, there's some real nice people over there. everyone's outgoing haha! took a lot of getting used to, aha but I'm slowly opening up more and more. I met someone who's pretty similar to me btw:| haha, not saying I don't like her. its just wrird. aha. I'm pretty satisfied with my course load and profs: pysch 100, philosophy 104, econ 201, math 100, eng 110... UGH! ENGLISH! my teacher's ajsdnhaiwdah!!!!!! she thought I was freaking ESL! I'm a freaking Arts student with Eng & Lit as my best subjects! geesh, I was in AP English for a while too! (school system's diff at St Pats) she even requested for me to get a tutor holy fuuuuuhh! there's still a possibility of me transferring out but no notification yet. ugh, other than that! thing's are lookin good.. good lookin.. ha. =)

that's right y'all.. I work in retail. I already cringe just typing that haha! Forever 21 suckas. & I work with Gino, Jessa AND Chad HAHA! :D they're actually pretty legit! the company I mean. haha, in a sense that like we can't hold items for you, you can't get stuff off the manequin even if it's that last one of something. our discount is (only) 10% and only the manager/DM can ring you through. everything's final sale if I were to buy it for you. sorry in advanced! I think I'll be ok tho.. ah! pray for me man. haha. hope I'll last.

dance dance dance. mmm, still pretty shy haha. & I mean 'whenever I can' as plainly as it says, even if it calls for being at the groceries, park, random places around school. hehe

but yup! just a (not so) little update. I shall talk to you lata!!!

Love, B

Tuesday, September 22

- a sentimental yearning for happiness of a past time

I hate nostalgia. No emo, kinda. haha
(refer to blog entry here & skim but emphasize on paragraph 6 here)

If Love Should Count You Worthy

If love should count you worthy,
and deign one day
to seek your door,
and be your guest,
Pause! ere you draw the bolt and bid him rest
if in your old content you would remain.

For not alone he enters: in his train
are angels of the mist,
the lonely quest,
dreams of the unfulfilled
the unpossessed,
and sorrow,
and life's immemorial pain.

He wakes desires you never will forget;
He shows you stars you never saw before;
He makes you share with him forevermore
the burden of the world's fine regret.

How wise you were to open, not!
and yet, how poor if you should turn him from your door.

If love should count you worthy.

Saturday, September 12

"If you look in the dictionary, you will always find hardworking before successful."

this past week has just been nuts. nuts nuts nuts. I think I've never felt all these emotions.. ALL AT ONCE and within days of each other. I swear my bad day streak would never end. since I was also experiencing pre "woman's week", I have nooo idea how I was able to smile through it all. through it all I've discovered that when it comes down to it, I will always have dance.

funny cus, all summer. all I've been doing was taking class after class. I freaking LOVED it! I followed my goal for once and took at least 2 classes a week, with the exception of a week or too. pretty hard to believe, but I've been dancing for as long as I can remember but I think these past few years was when I really started dancing. whether it was a class, a performance, or simply some footage I was watching, I'd pay attention to sooo much detail. it's not even funny, haha. I'd closely observe the way a specific move was hit, how each may have been felt, how much energy is required for the first 3 counts then how much control as well as relaxation the rest of the 8 needed. I took even closer notes on how my body specifically was moving like how I involve my shoulders way too much with a lot of movements and that my arms may be clean but my angles are weird haha. and forreal, I never take class or perform for the same reasons every time. haha umm.. like I usually take Jomee's whenever I can not to get choreo but so that my body can get used to moving so suddenly and differently. wait, I guess that's the same thing as getting choreo lol (btw, Jerome Esplana 3:30 to 4:30 Saturdays at Harbour). haha but anyway..

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to put word out there for Jerome.. haha and for my personal reference. like notes for a quiz, this'll be notes for a performance. yeah. haha k peace.

btw visit my youtube channel. I wanted to post a whole stream of choreo vids I've been watching, but since I haven't done so in a while, there'd be too many lol. my user is n00BEEBS.

Love, B

Saturday, August 29

"If you love your job, you don't have to work another day in your life."

..with that said then I need a fuckin JOB!!

Thursday, August 27

agh! I have work in 6 hours! meaning I need to wake up in 4 ish hours.. BUT! I must blog about all the good food I had today:)

the first thing I ate today was mango sorbetto from Mario's Gelati.. yuuumm [btw, woke up at 9 and indulged at approx. 2] ate at Earl's with the BFFL's Zen, Moonda, and Checo before Jp's class. had penne alfredo with chicken cutlets followed by smores with chocolate and vanilla ice cream on the side served with that caramel thinger on the bottom that they're known for.. omg yum. had more food at Lisa's place after Jp's; she wanted to have a little get together and cook us (me and my work friends) a nice dinner since Evan and I are leaving [Starbucks]. she's such a sweetheart<3 freaking bbq'ed salmon burgers, side of mushrooms and baked potatoes, and a side of garden salad with honey pear vinegarette.. mmmmmm. oh! and black & white cake from whole foods haha.

such a good day today. not gonna lie, I will miss work:(
[ul] full of good food & good time

btw, The Changeling is SUCH a good movie.

Love, B

Wednesday, August 26

can't sleep!

today was coooooooll. PNE show with SickSTYLZ, 24/7, Stonefoxx, KTL, and 'No Names' (Diamonds). kiiiiiiiiller line up all in one set! very very successful I'd say, really great turn out as well. coincidentally, En Vogue was performing too! WOW! SO GOOD. for those of you who've never heard of them, give Don't Let Go or Hold On a listen, you'll probably recognize. Free Your Mind's pretty dope. I miss r&b like that man:( ate a "Whale's Tail" and experienced the Haunted Mansion with Marielle, Jace and Jr. HAHAHAHAHAHA shii, Jr is one (literally) buff dude, but he was already squeezing MY arm as we were lining up!! shit that place was hella scary I won't lie. began with Ming and Jace and Jr and I following behind, but some how Ming ended up leading the pack with me pushing her to continue on, LOL. I think I ran outta there once I found out we reached the end:$ caught Ross doing his thing, his jazzy stuff with the pro's who did a show to showcase the nearly 100 years of success at the PNE. wasn't able to catch Jane and freaking Menelaine go go dancing tho! second fail was not riding any rides. only me and Jr had complimentary rides passes and we wanted to catch En Vogue which was at 8 at night. still haven't ridden my first ride yet.

sooooo!.. before summer ends, I must:
1. ride my first fricken roller coaster!!!!
2. go to the aquarium
3. watch Time Traveler's Wife, G.I. Joe, District 9, 500 Days of Summer?
4. school stuff
5. get a job!!!!!!!!
6. back to school shopping!! hopefully get a new wardrobe
7. bbq/sleepover cus Moonda's finally back :D

& I guess my summer '09 soundtrack includes:
Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone acoustic
Janet Jackson - Feels So Right
Estelle ft Saun Paul - Come Over
Ebrahim... just youtube him
BBMak - Back Here
Michael Jackson.. everything.. especially his Dangerous, Bad, and Thriller albums

Collie Buddz and some other people - Come Around remix
Miguel Jontel - Let's Just Be
Melissa Polinar.. youtube this crazy chica too
En Vogue - What's It Gonna Be
Jazmine Sullivan - Dream Big <3
Slakah the Beatchild - Enjoy Ya Self
Slakah the Beatchild - D.A.N.C.E.
New Boyz - You're a Jerk haha!
Clipse ft the Neptunes - I'm Good
Black Star - Thieves in the Night
Little Dragon - Constant Surprises

yeuuuuuuhh, brought back some classics:) anyways I'm finally sleepy! up early to take my Upass picture and to hopefully buy my books! then brunch with my BFFL's cus Moonda's finally home, h&m for an exchange, Jp's, staff dinner at Lisa's for me and Evan cus we're leaving:( she's so sweet, definitely going to miss her.

night y'all!

Love, B

Wednesday, August 12

"At the end of the day, think 'what has this day brought me, and what have I given it?'"

forreal, I'm already freaking tiiiired, yo. today, I had work from 7am-2:30 (supposed to be til 1:30, but I had to stay an extra hour cus stupid chick after me was late!!!!!), failed to do Ming's vid for her debut, walked around Gastown/Downtown for a couple hours before visiting Jo at work, debut prac at 8, GMA at 10, got home around 1:30. chilled with my brother for a bit, his bed is way comfortable than mine aha. btw, this is only day 2 of mad rehearsals. right now I got Ming's entourage dance for her debut (hip hop of course, no one does the traditional waltz anymore. at least not in Van) as well as Sickstylz with Jp, Marc, Donnel, Kyky, Jane, and Shay for the GMA thinger. I'll probably post a link about it sometime soon, but anyway.. I pretty much only have 4/5 hours of dance everyday this week but by the end of the night, my body is as out as how it was when I (literally) had 8-10 hour days of dance everyday of July two years ago. on top of that, fridays and saturdays got two extra hours for our PNE show in two weeks. still, on top of that, I got some school shit to work out, some work shit to worry about, and lastly myself to take care of.

what I'm trying to say is, I'm fucking tired as hell, but I absolutely love it. for me, being tired obviously means I'm doing 'too much', but it also means that I am getting the most out of my day, majority of which I never thought I was able to do. I can't help but feel so blessed for all the things that God has given me and for all the things that I was able to conquer in my seemingly jam-packed days. this 'tiredness' only emphasizes the enthusiasm I have for life and by the end of the day, I'm more than pleased for all that I accomplished, tho there may be few that I failed to do.

I should really get some sleep tho, I've been up for nearly 24 hours.. later days.

Love, B

Thursday, August 6

haven't really blogged in a while. I mean, haven't really said what's been up wif me? as of late. haha. been busy, been lazy, been getting sucked into all the latest technology buuuzz but failed to touch this. in that case, I shall procede..

today pretty much sums up how I've been chillin. oh, and today [was] a Wednesday, I'm usually bumming around my house, in bed, or at the table watching Fresh Prince & Still Standing, shower up for Jp's class at Harbour then hanging out with whoever feels like it after class collecting a can full of Good Times. today turned out toooootally different though. had to run a couple errands before taking class.. if I was still able to take class.

yaaaaa.. money's been a real bitch to me lately:

FINALLY quit my job at Starbucks (as of 2 weeks ago?). been meaning too since March-ish; hlycrp was that a load off my chest simply telling my manager (though I note it was HELLA nerve racking outta my MIND!). don't get me wrong, being a barista ain't so bad at all, 'twas a good job experience, but considering how my schedule's going to be come school starts and with Season 2 for SickSTYLZ.. my manager might as well 'fire' me and my crazy availability that won't meet 'Starbucks standard'. haha. technically though, I gave her my month's notice, rather than my 2 weeks, meaning I'll be officially done with that place on the 3rd of September. I'll also officially be unemployed, but I needed something to motivate me to find a better job or at least a more reasonable place to stay. its already August! which leaves me a month for success! forreal, I might even just apply at another location HAHA! I just really dislike my manager, lol.

was figuring out this student loan business for Corpus. WOW is it more complicated than I thought. the application form alone looked like a freaking T4 with 5 extra pages!! it involves detailed money info like a T4 too!! haha! then there's an Appendix 1, 2, and 3 each at least 4 pages. shoot, I thought I'd be done in 30 minutes! aha!

in case you missed it.. yup yup, I'm going to Corpus Christi for post-secondary. university transfer, English and Psychology. to kids at UBC in my household is heeeeeella expensive, no matter how many scholarships I got there (which were none). though I applied reaaally late actually, I applied before the end of April and they ONLY got back to me mid-June! still, I had a very very successful interview.. very successful interview. I was very happy about it and was proud to call CC my home of growth for now. btw, it's a super small college on the UBC campus, I'm sure not all of you have never heard of it before. meaning.. I get all the benefits of UBC too AND for the Corpus tuition!! the facilities, clubs, professors. they even got an access studies program which allows me to take any courses at UBC that Corpus doesn't have since its only a Liberal Arts college. yee =) not too sure what I'm going to do with my Eng and Psych, so I'll be taking up some courses there for poooossibly health sciences. still unsure what specifically but ain't it sweet?

errand #2 conisisted of vid for Ming's debut. her candles are doing their speeches on vid and they'll be played in between performances and presentations. UGH after 5,000 takes and writing/rewriting my speech I stuck with a just a tiny blurb thing that I was still unhappy with. after viewing it enlarged, I just realised that I forgot to switch settings back to the OG one so it looks like I used some cheap ass camera:( eff, I SUCK with words!!! but it was less the a minute like she preferred. Ming's debut in general is going pretty well I think? I don't know of much, just the usual rantings. the dancing's good! good good good. :)

dance has very much been a priority this summer. I'm thinking of keeping it that way as the years progress=) I'm loving it soooo so much. on a weekly basis, I take Jp's class on wednesdays, Jerome's on saturday, then followed by debut practice for another 2/3 hours. shiiii, now I got Sickstylz on fridays and saturdays after debut practice! in preparation for our PNE show on the 25th. AH! I'm luuuuvvin it. yesterday though, I was thinking 'bout holding back on classes cus damn, being a dancer is expensive! harsh made me think with this school stuff and unemployment stuff. I'm not part of any studio or any other crew and I don't have much room or privacy in my house haha, so taking class is the only way to expand my vocabularly. I think Sickstylz is my home. I plan on sticking with these guys for a long while. only hitting our second year, so we shall see.

the peoples have been reeeeal good to me. I'll always love my fam, friends. shit happens, but forreal.. oh well. haha you should hear me say that, I'm not cold-hearted. I'll always be the same person. no matter what goes down, I'll still be down. take it or leave! to the pit of my stomach, I'll still care. sorry moms if it doesn't seem that way. we need to somehow fix this miscommunication/misunderstanding. time heals all wounds, so letting things just do things (haha!) is the best for growing, accepting love. love you Ma..

yuh, I think I've said all I could. enjoy the day aight? apparently it calls for clouds tomorrow (sure should. it was freaking cold last night!!!! I was dressed for Fall, yo s'weird. haha). don't be bummed, life's still the same you faggot. haha.

thank you for surving this post. haha, I always end the long ones the same.

k peace.

Love, B

Sunday, July 26

"Unless you fill yourself up first, you have nothing to give anybody."
— The secret

Wednesday, July 22

omg omg omg woooooww. I can't believe someone did an acoustic cover of this song!! this got me all teary eyed, srsly:$ HAHA! this was the song that started it all, forreals: my love for singing, learning Tagalog... lol. when I was around 4 years old, my moms used to play Lea Salonga on the stero all the time while she was cooking. mind you back when I was 4 in the mid '90s, cassette tapes were still the ish. so once I started digging [what other's may recognize as the singing voice of Mulan], I'd contantly rewind the tape to this particular song for days and days on end.

sigh, heart warming indeed. :)

Love, B

Wednesday, July 15

It has drawn to my attention as well as to a conclusion that my 3 most favorite places in the world include:

1. the park
2. the library
3. the stage

The three places where / that / are

- happiness is forever guaranteed
- I am naked
- release happens
- I am my real self, the self no one knows of or merely understands
- either my moms or pops have introduced to me
- either my moms or pops brought me to countless number of times
- either my moms or pops have literally raised me
- accredited for the person I was, am, and will be

What's your top 3?

Wednesday, July 8

On my 18th birthday I:

Woke up late
Another oppurtunity to watch Transformers snatched (u)
Cried a little - another birthday fail
Cried x 438194 million more watching the Michael Jackson memorial
Watched 2 more hours of CNN
Downloaded some MJ tunes that I didn't know I lacked
Accepted Akil Dasan's friend request on Youtube
Downloaded more tracks from The Roots, Marvin Gaye, Dallas Green, old school Monica, Kevin Michael, and Nsync
Ate the traditional pansit with the familia
Watched the MJ memorial a second time
Still teared up, especially when Stevie Wonder, Brooke Shields, Usher, JUDITH HILL, and the Jackson family had the mic
Talked to Newbs
Decided to get matching tattoos! Maybe:$
Found more of Akil Dasan and The Crowd's dope shiiii on Youtube!!
Found out that it was JUDITH HILL who gave the sensational performance at the very end of the service
Creeped her a little bit, the same with Adeline:$:$
Figured out how to conference call on my cellphone
Planned an outting with Zen and Checo
(Going to watch My Sister's Keeper)
Decided to buy some waterproof mascara tomorrow, haha
Departed with the mother and beloved brother to Denny's for "late breakfast" with Joere (L)
Arrived home some 40 minutes ago to a personal msg from Akil offa' Youtube greeting me happy birthday
Melted for a few good minutes more
Blogged blogging

may not seem like much to you, but it was more than a fulfilling day for me. to experience a day with Michael was supreme, chilling with the fambam + Joere (pretty much fam) was exceptional, and to have Akil add me as a friend as well as greet me on my birthday just made my heart smile even more.

I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did today watching some sort of memorial service... & I wasn't even there! With all that was sung and done and said, I still seem to find the odd person believing only in the contradictory side to Michael rather than understanding his actions and reasoning towards everything. "Wasn't nothing strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with." So.. why didn't you marry Brooke Shields? What phenomenal and brilliant woman. Stevie, Kobe and Magic, Smoky Robinson, Shaheen, Usher, Judith Hill, and most especially the Jacksons: much love. Nothing more to say cus I can't top what Paris said, aha.

Check out Harlem's very own Akil y'all (how many times have I mentioned his name already?).

freaking SUBSCRIBE to him kids! I am loooving him.
this guy is bomb.

I don't want to sleep in again. Goodnight y'all. Thanks for remembering Michael Jackson. & thanks for all the wonderful greets <3

Love B

Tuesday, July 7

"You're only turning 18?! I thought you were already NINETEEN! You're so frickin YOUNG!!" the original quote from my dearest Evan, the nicest guy you'll ever meet. like everything else, turning '18' will kick in later aha.

what a heart break day though: Michael Jackson's memorial service is today too. just as well, that's freaking crazy. wow, i've never felt this happy on birthday / life ever. to live and 'die' with the legend. daym. God is Great, and i truly thank Him for the 18 years of blessings. love you moms, pops, fam, more fam (friends), and everyone.

so PEACE y'all so i can sleep in splendor and wake in celebration of life in death life.
rest easy MJ. thank you God for a(nother) new day.

Lots of Love, B

Saturday, July 4

Rock on, Michael j.

(Like everyone else) I will never ever get tired of watching Michael Jackson videos. Likewise, I will always be in a loss for words. Like now, haha. I just really hope that I get to achieve the level of dance, more so, music life that I've been dreaming of.

Rock on, Ebrahim. Keep murderin'. You give me something to look forward to, music-wise, everyday. S'good to know that there's still some sense in this world.

Love, B

Thursday, July 2

Love After Love

Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Thursday, June 25

Mad Love for the King

Rest In Paradise King M.J.
"all this inspiration and NOWHERE to put it !!!!!!!" is daym right. this summer, i'm going to try my very best to take at least two classes a week. depending on the cash flow of course, gotta start saving up for school, future dance, more trips with SickSTLZ, b i l l s , etc.

got a jump start by taking Jomee's class yesterday at FG and Kuyopet's class at Harbour today. wow are these two f/ckin dope. both of you step up everytime i come man, such a crazy joy to watch and experience. i'm so so honored for sure. Jerome taught a sweet set to Sterling Sims' 'Nasty Girl'. though it took a lot of convincing, so happy that i went. the studio at Fresh Groove was so packed, it was like a freaking sauna in there. even the mirrors were fogging up! so nast! crazy how a bunch of kids outside of FG came down as well: KTL, SickSTYLZ, cats from Toronto.

freaking, Jp's class was murda too. i dont care if you dont agree with me. taught a new kind of thang to a remix of Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance'. soo different, eh?! dope none the less (stup up Jp). don't worry bud, you'll find your style soon. keep tapping into that openness. keep creating something foreign from your own, haha.

since we're on the topic of dance, holy cow has youtube sucked me in lately. :( can't believe i'm letting technology get to me, but this new laptop sure is to blame. i can watch vids of all sorts now (unlike my other hurting comp):D shooot.. check this boy out:

"my new (LB) dancer crush! lol" this guy's nuuuuuts. 15 years old! what a let down on soooo many levels, aha.

hung out with Jp after his class today at Simply Delicious. man i love that place. check that out too on down on Main Street suckas. "good AND cheap" LOL! miss that dude. thanks for always looking out for me (L). didn't get to tell him (since i was so absorbed in hearing his own life as a dancer), i really really want to take advantage of my time / body/ errthang as a dancer. career? not so sure yet. but mos def gonna do all i can to figure that out. all i know is.. i love it way too much.

on another note, so excited for tomorrow! get to see Zen and Cristina AND Moonda after how many days?! haha, haven't gotten used to not seeing them everyday.. i guess i'm excited to see Daniel too AHA! kidding bro, love you too. gonna check out Corpus one last time before i officially decide if i wanna start my post-secondary life there. then Transformers 2? maybeh? maybeh. then work, ugh. what kind of shift starts at 6:30?! ending at 10:30?! AT NIGHT?! w/e, easy money aha.

ttyl loves. the weather's getting better, i promise. kill the weather reports other wise. :)

Love, B

Tuesday, June 23

haha, well maybe my day didn't turn out so crazy, but definitely not so bad either. first REAL day at work today considering how i pretty much worked 2 9am-1 Saturday morning shifts a month. shoot, i thought it'd be a hella looong day since i'm not used to mid-day shifts yet, but 1-8 went by even quicker than my stupid Saturday mornings. probably cus i actually had stuff to do, aha. there's literally nothing to do on Saturdays ESPECIALLY in the mornings: there's no cleaning (done the night before) and no customers (we're surrounded by banks and businesses). sorry! i'm rambling again:S headed down to my brother's work so that i could get a ride home. i even started cleaning at his store (haha, we both work at Starbucks). like old times. aha for serious, if i'm at a Starbucks and i really know the people, i start working too, hahah! moms picked us up, bumbed around for a bit, now i'm here.

this morning, i was reading my horoscope. i chuckled to myself cus this one was legit too except the timing was meant for today. aha it claimed that i should set goals for myself, something like that. i actually thought this up last night and then once more half way through my shift. BUT.. i shall jot them down tomorrow. haha. i got work at 7, so i'm up in 5. + i'm way more tired now, considering the hour. geeesh, like old times. see? timing's a little off haha. but oh well!:)

goodnight until tomorrow!

love, B

Monday, June 22


duuuuuudde.. i just had to. AHA! check the vids below. jacked from since sharing is caring, i gotta share these with those of you who don't know mister carlo aguilar. this guy's hilarious. woke up to this about an hour-ish ago and i'm STILL laughing. daym, i know my day gon' be gold now.

:| boys get naked when their upset?

this kid reminds me of David after dentist

k well, have a good morning! enjoy the clouds today. no serious; the grass can be green again. yah?

love, B

Sunday, June 21

"Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn"

today was pretty chill. woke up earlier than usual. today was the SickSTYLZ (2nd gen) Auds. hoooolly yo, 48/49 kids came out. & let's just say, there will probably be more than 2 white G's this time compared to last year, haha! damn, everyone was doope. played videographer for the day; had the pleasure of taking a couple hints at what next year may look like. super crasy too, how much people can progress and improve within a matter of hours, couple run through's, few extra go-at-it's. confidence just kept rising and rising, couldn't help but smile while watching. congratulations ya'll!

got home and just chiiiiilled. youtubem, twitter, the works. gad am i getting sucked into technology:(

i jacked this from Aj's fb notes aha. [btw, soooo choked you didn't come out today. i guess it's understandable] now my head was throbbing like crazy, but it actually made me feel so much better just reading it!


It's long but it's worth it. But have a chance to read it. It's dope.

1. Drink plenty of Water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's --- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 8-10 hours
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk everyday. And while you walk, smile.

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.
13. Don't over do it. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself to seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply of the curriculum that appear and fade away, like Algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and Laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. God Heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you wake up alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your inner most is always happy. So, be Happy!

Last but not the least:
40. Please let everyone know about these if you care about them.


interesting how that'd come from you. haha! playin' buddy, miss you too even though i don't say it. much love to ya (L)

i think i'm going to print this, make it really funky and then stick on my wall ceiling. it's great to wake up to the wonderful reminders of how to live the abundance of life, don't cha think?

love, B

Saturday, June 20

i really need to just w r i t e . . .
i miss this place .

brb for a tiiiny bit more.

Tuesday, June 16

watched it a second time today!! with Zen, Cristina, Mark, Ryan, and Daniel. wow we're horrible in the theaters. sorry:$ this movie will never get old!:) "it has like... everything... !!"

back to studying for my history provincial.

later days.

Sunday, June 14

WOW POSTING ANOTHER ONE SO FAST (cus Zenia's a genius...). she decides to freestyle her woes of studying for history in the Beauty and the Beast tune..

"i'm a little scared,
i am not prepared
for this history test:("

damn, s'better if you heard it! one of those you-shoulda-been-there kind of moments. i freaking love you man.

"wth, are you weird?!" HAHAHA

(whispers) "what's a chode?"
(whispers back) "a small penis.."
(still LOL) "Daniel what's a chode?"
"i don't know.."
"come on Daniel!"
"...reminds me of longanisa!"
"Daniel, is it a small penis?"
"is it a small man's organ?!"

while me and Cristina were trying to ask Daniel what Vietminh was, Zenia looks it up on urban dictionary and recites the definitions out loud to us...

imagine the LOL's man.
sorry Zenia, you're the real weird one.
"you know when your sitting on your tailbone for a really really long time and you stand up then sit back down.. it tickles! :$" HAHAHA you're such a funny one Zen.

PS shoot, grad commencement was yesterday. update later!


Love, B

Saturday, June 13

wow Araujo, you're seriously killing me. my part of our grad class gift to you is way harder than i intended it to be. sleepless night before grad yaaaaayy..

Wednesday, June 10

eff man, my tummy is kiiilling me:( i wanted to do a hefty blog today, but literally can't. when i have cramps, i die. haha=( but today in my last english class with Nannery, she had us share with everyone where we thought we'd be 10 years from now. all i said was that i plan to be California. haha. i was just so happy with simply being able to share my dream that i didn't elaborate + she doesn't like the the idea of the 'American dream' or the fact that i apparently haven't even picked a particular part of Cali that i'd like to lie in, so she just moved on, haha. but actually, in detail..

10 years from now..
at age 28, i'll be living in California in sunny sunny Irvine (look it up, its daym beautiful). since i'm not too clear on what i'd like to do as of right now, i'll still be in school in UCI Berkley getting my Masters in English or Psychology. if anything, i reeeally hope i'll still be dancing as well trying to pay for my tuition, haha. "a dancer's life is very short" & i plan on taking full advantage of it. maybe i'll be like Rino or Teresa Espinosa: still dancing, still dope at it, still healthy, still.. wow. haha! shiiii. i hope to at least be married with (at least) thoughts on having a kid in the near future. haha, i'd like to have at least one kid, but it's hard to tell with how our current generation is going: marrying in their late 20's / early 30's. heck, maybe i'll be an established youtube artist, HAHA! actually, that's more like 5 years from now...

a graand grand dream of mine is to live in England actually, somewhere in Europe. i'd like to take my Masters at Oxford while finding me a nice English man! haha:$ half kidding. i'd reeeally like to go to Oxford though.. i'll probably be more of a pro singer with a record deal an' aaall dat.. like Adele:$:$:$ or like Tatyanna Ali! juggling Harvard and Fresh Prince and the singing deal. i guess we'll see =)

& in exactly 10 hours from now, i'll be heading down to the Church to do our last Mass at St. Pat's. scary how that lines up with what i was writing in the proceeding paragraph.

my tummy is seriously getting to me. i'm supposed to be finished working on my gift to Araujo:'( sorry Moonda, mine's going to be late..

Love B

broken glories

Abigail Therese 3 days 'til grad and already saying goodbye's ... CC love with Araujo, eng / lit inspiratinons with Nannery♥
2 seconds ago · Comment · Like

"a dancer's life is very short"

Tuesday, June 9

i think everyone should have long entries...

...really assess how you been doing without interruptiong from the outside world. anyway

sorry!! last & final blog of the day, i promise. just really trying to soak (my last week) all in, maybe something extremely pivotal will happen years from now; i just want to be able to understand how i'd come about such Greatness.

now that i reeeeeally think about it, today was such a profound day. full of "last's" and potential.

this morning was my last Chamber class. i guess it didn't really kick in as hard as i thought it would cus there's still Grad choir tomorrow morning, meaning my last morning of waking up everyday at 5:45am for school. though it was expected / almost obliged to do so, i finally said my piece on the put-up chair. put-up chair is when time is taken out of class / rehearsal there are several things that i obviously do (ie: singing, dancing, the works) but its time and place that matter most. i pick my moments, if you haven't already figured that out, not for any specific reason, just when it feels right. hard to explain, but hopefully you're at least thinking about it. also hoping it drills in their heads this time haha (no pun intended). helps that Tallon was looking at me straight in the eye, but who knows. it was rather comforting, i'll admit. wow, this is really fragmented.. but anyway.. i'm happy i went up. it felt rewarding; wouldn't have felt the same any other day i don't think. i really poured my heart out, trying to piece together on the spot what i wanted to say (i'll elaborate more on that later). it really did feel good to have silence for once, so flattered that it was when i was talking too. please note that i'm very vague right now, but thank you so much Araujo, just for absolutely everything. thank you to John, Joey, Anna, Shenette, Marie, Michelle G, Nick, Tristan, Joe, Marvin, Christine, Tim Pang. you guys made it worthwhile for me for sure; just watching you guys excel.. its been a pleasure for sure.

last Lit class from Nannery too. eff, and i didn't even realize til later in the day too. i'm so buying my textbook, probably going to transfer all my notes from my binder and into my text too. my journal for my graduating year yo, $80 ain't even worth the honest words of Ms. Nannery (though i am broke). i'll mos def take you with me wherever i go, Love doesn't stop here. goodness, this is hella fragemented too. thank you so much Ms. Nannery. wouldn't be the person i am today if it weren't for you.

this isn't a last anything but i've been really thinking about a lot of things lately: Cali, dance, music, singing?, stupid stuff, my dad. everything just swimming in my head, some thoughts drowning, some gasping for air, some chillin' on the surface or within the depths within itself.

i reeeeally want / need to move to Cali. i feel like i can't literally move on and just live life unless i'm on my own so that i may fully realize what's been given to me. "i don't want to do anything without failing at it first." i want to start f r e s h, free of everything and anything: of judgements, expectations, fronts, the one end of ideals. i want to actually do everything on my own, not beginning with these distractors but with my own open mind. i've been so concerned for situations and individuals that weren't meant for my concern, its time that i rediscover myself and give to the world.

Music. shoot, what can i say? there's just way too much. i always think about what i'm gonna do with it now that no one's going to make me. i've grown up so disconnected from my first Love, my first language, performing and taking lessons because of the "potential", to support my family later on, to give my Thanks, to use my gifts amd so on. don't get me wrong, not that i disagree but that i have to have to reclaim it once again.. this time on mine own terms.

i really want to dance. all this feelings of discouragement and this unseen love i have for it is tearing me apart. "it's not my chance yet", "you gotta push yourself", "find your inspiration and just stick to it".. these all serve as reminders of what's yet to come for me, but i can't help but feel such discouragement all the time. i've been dancing for 10 years now, and so many have flown by me. i know its my own and levels of distinction that's keeping me from me, but i don't know. i don't know how to get out it. there's this spirit within me just waiting for me tap into it.

singing's always been a challenge (which is good). its so good to fight for what you love, & i haven't given up (nor will i ever). i've learned, most especially this year, that you don't always win; you can only convince people for too long, sometimes not at all. but shoot, i love the battle! i love experiencing the struggle in between the excellence that seemingly does not conquer. of only the world can agree. wow, drifted from my initial point.. i've been singing for as long as i can remember, but i've actually been singing since age 6. to this day, i still can't remember why i started with it in the first place. i've been caught up with doing it for the relief or benefit of others, it almost feels ornate in me.

so this leads to my point mentioned in the proceeding paragraphs: discovery of self.
"you have good Center"

i guess my journey officially begins here. huh.

Love, B
My Twittascope: Cancer
If you can remain silent today, you'll come out of this tangled web looking like a real hero. You can see both sides of a problem now yet you realize that there is no straightforward solution. Pretending that you have an answer will only create disappointment; your smartest strategy is to wait it out. You may have something important to add to the discussion, but it will be even more relevant in a day or two. Tuesday, June 9, 2009

k fiiine. i usually never (ha ha, 'usually never') follow horoscopes but contrary to above just isn't my style anyway. let's give 'em props though, those trully are words of wisdom. its the context i'm after, not so much the fact that it's within the stars as some people like to call it. though i looove the stars - k anyway.. almost forgot what i absolutely live by: silence is just as important too. its within these moments of respectful admiration that reveals our own thoughts that have been off limits to sharing for some time now.

"you have really good center" something i've been fighting for. amazing amazing amazing. he got another 'nother thing going on too:

you'll do great next year; so worth the wait.

Monday, June 8

snap, what a HUGE success!! made a grand total of $1923. give it up for your administrative assistant (though my ACTUAL admin JB eft his station TO ME every now and then). lol. thank you thank you to all who came out to support us this year: OHJOY Ice Cream, DJ Adlib, respectfuls from FG, Harbour Dance, T-Dot, Victoria, family, friends and dancers alike.. much much love.

dude, someone play ninja with me. funniest shit ever !!!!!!
i love just watching, HAHAHAHAH!

btw, just realized a couple moments ago that this week is my last week of highschool. shiiiiiii nigga! & how lovely, chamber every damn morning. s'all good in this hood, one more week to bear it all out. thank you Jesus for all the blessings.

why am i swearing so much. just had a two hour nap but i'm still so tired! probsssly why. i'll go wash my mouth after i brush my teef.

bear with me.

Love, B

Sunday, June 7

come one come all !!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 3

"least popular attractions"
"the Statue of Puberty!"
"..and on my left is Viagara Falls"
"...I said least popular attractions"

AHAHAHA! can't help but LOL as i overhear my brother watching reruns of Who's Line is it Anyway? on youtube. today was full of those moments, mhmm:)

apparently me getting mad at my little brother this morning was a hilarious story to tell. it wasn't supposed to be thank you very much!! mostly my fault, i'm not very good at telling stories; i sound like an idiot. hahahaha. i still love you little brother of course=)

"i'm dressed more like a boy than you are today, Mark" mind you i was all scrubs today with my basketball shorts and big T. i question that boy sometimes. *NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING** aha, only something we'd understand=) LOVE YOU!! :)

D block spare, choir (we're still singing?..), prepared for the sort of surprise at break.. teehee.. btw it was decided that we would be skipping C block religion since all grade 12's had rel at the same time (smart choice!), lit review class. lunch was chiiiiiiill. went off campus and took a little walk down Main:) Starbucks for Zen, 7-11 for slurpess for Moonds and her sister.. another beautiful day! walked back and then the surprise...

(Christina) DUN DUN DUN . . .

grad run!!!!!!!!

for those of you unknown of this supposedly un-derivative idea: grad run is when all the graduates skip class all together to simply run across campus while school is still in session. this may involve hollering, screaming, oodles of silly string, blow horns, (in my case) injuries:(, cars, loud music, horns honking, grade 8's getting scared (HAHA), and so on...

i'll be honest and say i was kj at first. i didn't want to do it: "it's so lame you guys!" but the LG in me unleashed itself once Moonds whipped out her 10 cans of silly string & 4 mini blow horns to split between the 4 of us:D:D:D:D so unexpected of her!! met up in the caf. shoot, it was already getting crazy, so much noise everywhere! hella ruined the surprise, haha. & not everyone was in class yet! but oh well, we were all pretty hyped! and a lot of people already knew which wasn't supposed to happen but ngehh.. since we were getting super loud we brought it down to the parking lot. once everyone was out we raaaann that shit like no tomorrow yo! with jonathan, daniel, and sean [and me tagging right behind(a)] leading the pack. daym.. soooo fun yo! since this is tradition, a lot of the teachers immediately shut their doors right when they see us bombarding the place, but some stupid grade 8 decides to open one so i shot him right in the face with my silly string:) apparently jade got locked out cus Mr. Guardano wouldn't let her in.. then Geeni shot her with her watergun and yelled "Bow down to Grad'09" HAHAHAHAHA! ooooly you Gen=) shot a couple more grade 8's, blew the horn right at people's faces, and was actually tired after the first run, LOL. met up in front of the caf. had a couple chants of "GRAD '09 (wuh?) GRAD '09 (wuh?)", water fight commenced, pictures were taken, videos were recorded, props were given all before taking a second shot at it.

second time around though, i scraped my arm preeetty bad:( i slipped as i turned the corner ..while running... & caught myself on the brick wall of the main building ..while running... & literally grazed my arm on the wall ..while still running. forgot that i was still techniqually leaning on the wall. haha! how st00ps am i(H) couldn't help it! was having so much fun! met up at the caf again and continued the water fight, more hollering, more pictures, more vids, more cra-aaazyness ness. ye=)

Bevacqua the principle headed over with Donnici vice principle only to dismiss us!!!!!! usually they get angry with the students since they had hoped that they'd be the one class that would start a new traidition of getting rid of the old "immature" one. 'course it always fails, aha! shiiiii, admin can never get mad at us yo, we're literally too good hahahah.

stayed behind to get my arm cleaned up then to actually clean up the place. Marino and Ferrari were actally displeased to see me in the office all cut up, haha. i'm sorry! reb for a day, my bad my bad. fun while it lasted!

they all decided to head down to the beach but i'd head down there after Jp's class. once i got home my eyes got all itchy and started swelling up again!!!!!!!!!!!! Kuya Jippee's class and Kits were off the list (u). sorry Jp:( re-encoutered with YOUTUBE and took another walk to the grocery stores near by to pick up some hot dog buns for the workshop.


i'll probably post the updated one soon.
as for now, COME Y'ALL!!
cheapest workshop ever + BBQ + party it up with Sickstyyyyylz =)

took another walk in the lovely sun=) arrived home in time for dinner and So You Think You Can Dance <3>getting addicted to Twitter... & now GOODNIGHT.

sorry for the long post again! but expect more! didn't realize how free my days will be without homework & choir. daym happy? oui oui!

enjoy the sun while its still up! it'll start raining next monday:(

Love love love, B

Tuesday, June 2

hahaha, i wasn't planning on writing so soon BUT.. i had another good day:)

(another)hot hot day at school shiiiiet.. but the morning air was nice=) spent my spare studying outside while it was still breezy and the sun wasn't at it's highest. studied for History with Checo and Ryan while Anna & Marie let us mooch off their Thai meal that Shennette and Leanne had made for them for their Foods final. zomg, best dessert ever: mango with rice in condensed milk!

but then my eyes started to get really itchy again, so i took Checo's Visine... and they itched even more!!!! HLYCRP! they bugged me so much! i kept rubbing away at them while i was righting my test 'til i finally escaped to the bathroom to go wash my face. funny thing is, it was only then did they start to get red!! and REALLY red!! my right eye looked like it had Pink Eye (though i'm positivei don't**) everybody was getting super grossed out and concerned, i can't blame them. verdict is i might have alergies?.. i slept it off during break. daym yo, that 15 min nap felt like a whole hour man, for serious.

english was fine, then grad committee, then history..

then a surprise from sheila!!! she had the need to be spontaneous and wanted to use her free movie tickets! 'Sheila you da best, Sheila you da best' daym RIGHT! Ming and I ended up being spontaneous too. oh man, Up (in 3D) is SUCH a good movie!!!! my new fav fasho! oh man, i haven't seen a movie where i can cry AND laugh 4 times as much=) eff, i starting tearing up pretty bad 15/20 minutes in? haha:$ we watched the 3:30 screening, the theater was still pretty full. i think we were the loudest ones and there were kids too, LOL! aw man, i forgot how st00ps Ming is when watching a movie hahahaha. it's always so fun with these two... (L)

but yeah, that is all! just wanted to talk about Up!! it made me so happy man. hahahaha:) moral of the story is... :O Transformers is coming out soon too! jk.. not really.. BUT WATCH UP!!:D

Love, B

Monday, June 1

i'll be writing the longest post of my life by at least mid-June. ride with me as i rage through the my last 11/12 days of highschool... i'll have lots to write about forsure.

for now, follow me on twitter!! haha, they're like one-lined blogs?=) "it's like talking to yourself" HAHAHA! so true. but i update quite regularly now. harsh converted man. haha.

i must get back to my stupid history test and writing YET ANOTHER choral scholarship essay cus apparently, the last one wasn't the right one!!:@:@:@:@:@ all-nighter #4? maybeh! i slaved two nights over the last one though, i'm pretty mad Araujo!! SO.. this means i should get started.

once more, breathe easy & enjoy the sun!!!! :):):):):)
i'll be back in a bit.

Love, B

Saturday, May 30

apologies for my fragmented thoughts

last Spirit Alive Gala Concert ever. wow, i think i'm still missing some words in the title hahah. i guess we'll see how it goes, while miiiilking it all the way through (i hope). no more room for bitterness, Ms. Snappy. no use in anything that wasn't of me before these rough moments of my Life, highschool life, my life after there was Love. be as immature as please kids, it's our last show anyway i'm sure that means of no significance to many of you.

thank you to those who understood / still understand. i wish the rest of you did, but we'll see better days... thank you thank you for coming out & not scoffing behind my back upon inviting you to the last day of my Life. like i mentioned in proceeding posts, forever in my Heart.

in Your hands, in your hands.

this one's for You.

Wednesday, May 27

despite my sickness in the face due to congestion from the more than a cold
despite my broken jaw of mine own Kingdom
despite my frailties and how often i immerse myself in them
despite my selective hearing / vision / errthang that i use as a scapegoat day in, day out
despite my lack of focus that bites me in the ass time and time again
despite my failure and fear of it
despite my tears that i bury under my transparent thick lensed glasses
despite my yearning just to be something better for me & something more for you
despite my my pessimistic vibe and careless attitude
despite my love to pursue a challenge and the danger that creeps behind it

despite all this and more, i still managed to witness something beautiful. but it was the beauty of realizing what i had almost lost as well as what i know i'll have to let go of all too soon.

Tony Araujo your musicality scares me. scares me because your honesty reflects mine.. so as we mirror each other and make music, i make my world crash down to nothing. nothing because everything becomes meaningless and of no value. nothing because you always have the exact touch that mingles me and my First Love together once again. you allow me to continually go back

go back to where i came from
to why i do this
to when i loved this
to how i hold on to this

pretty soon, i'm going to graduate and i'll never be able to hear your aristry ever again. pretty soon i'll never get to feel love returned resulting from such artistry always given back. pretty soon i'll never have the blessed oppurtunity of simply hearing you play so musically ever again.

excuse my tears from rehearsal, i was just soaking it all in.

Monday, May 11

I managed to do it

the 'essay' for the Choral Activities scholarship. derived from past entries, so no you're not crazy for remembering a thing or too . . .

'The Choral Activities Award" is awarded to a student for outstanding achievement, consistent commitment, and leadership in the Choral program. In the space provided, explain why you are a good candidate for this award.

(Chicago'07 in the tiniest nutshell in the world. originators of CC love fasho, y'all)

It was the last few songs of our repertoire that night in Chicago. We were all exhausted; you can see it in the weariness upon our faces not simply from the emotion the text in the piece called for but also from the difficulty evident in the struggle to hold merely acceptable posture while singing. Nonetheless, we carried ourselves bearing the importance of engaging the imagination so not to illustrate the fatigue felt by all.

Before the last three pieces, I placed myself in deep metacognition completely unaware that I was doing so to begin with. As each song was sung, or more so embodied, I reached deeper dancing so passionately with my thoughts of love for the moment that took place. The years of pain, struggle and desperation were defeated by my heart, my music, my love that I’ve been breathing with since before such darkness. All my feelings of complete distastefulness for ones I most cared for, suffering for the ones I lost to God, and complete wretchedness for the one I feared most, me, all diminished by something I never knew could hold so much power.

More and more I released myself becoming vulnerable to every phrase within each song. I let the tears well within my eyes and pour down my face with no debate as I watched everyone in the choir, as well as the audience, engaged with our conductor, pianist, and ourselves. I wept and I sang managing to maintain vocal technique with my fellow artists delivering the intent of each piece even more successfully. We stayed with each other ‘til the very end. I would have never found the beauty that's been aching to paint itself on this dark blank canvas that's been draped over me all these years if it not for that moment.

I keep in mind this blissful occurrence every day so that I may create more spectacular instances for everyone I encounter. I live the fact that everyone deserves the best out of any situation, no matter the circumstance.

weak ending! but w/e, i had to somehow limit myself to 200 words even though i exceed with 340 ... k i'm sheepy. night night

Love, B

Friday, May 8

all-nighter #2. forreal, i really have no reason to. i could have finished my explication in an hour or so since i was half way done anyway. still, i took my sweet ass time. never really realized the importance of such a line until my conversation with John Ray a couple hours ago.

we were simply talking about our plans after high school. shoot homeboy, gj gj on your acceptance to UBC. you deserved it for suuure. upon asking me how my UCI /California plans were going, i thought about my real response to a commonly asked question. "haha, we've only gotten as far as moving there in two years" and that i might reconsider Berkley again since i found out it's only 3 hrs away from UCI!... something along those lines was what i managed to come up with.

he shot back with somethin somethin somethin ... "lots of time"...
so true.

i gave back in agreement saying that all in all, i'm just milking everything for what's it worth right now since i've spent practically my whole life doing ten million things at once. i've never really taken advantage of all the opportunities that have been so graciously handed over to me with a silver bow. i've never really taken into appreciation the time in between the times of everything, the "journey between the notes" as Edette (one of my conductors/role models in life) would say.

for this reason, i don't mind being tired throughout the whole day [i'll mos def need to catch a Z or too here there so as not to be too crabby at the bridal stores for grad dress shopping (grad is at the end of the month btw), or so not to fall asleep during 17 Again, or the CCCCC concert in the later hour] because i found a dang lotta stuff that i've been in search for these past few months. Andrew Garcia, Randall Stroope and his peoples, Sara Teasdale (once again). if it weren't for these crazy artistes, i would not have found the beauty that's been aching to paint itself on this dark blank canvas that's been draped over shoulders. i was almost in tears sitting leaned over the lap top with my ear against the speakers melting with the genuinity of his tone, that A flat Major chord so perfectly sustained; my hand to my chest as i read the brilliance of the convicted and trembling soul of such vulnerability in her poetry.

for this, for these moments i will
sleep no sleeps but
lie awake in "my sole self"or
risk sleeping in my own requiem.

"sleep keeps [me] away from [my] dreams"
you dope David Moore

Wednesday, May 6


- Lauryn Hill

Nothing can be done against the truth, No matter how we remain in denial
Wasting time Replacing time With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while

Coping with despair
Knowin' you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the son, Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule

Trapped in misery Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that I'm wearin' it like a skin

Dying to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin

Oh I'm such a mess, I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself and everyone else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong.

And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
That it is seen

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaves so foolishly
This treason from within That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til' it sees the death of me

Selfishly addicted To a life that I depicted
C o n f l i c t e d 'cause it's not reality
'Oh what's left of me?' I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree to what I know is best for me

Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

The choices that I make
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space

Should I die before I wake?

In all of my religion I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decision

Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means

And then he came, "Selah"
Oh and it means
That it is seen

... And then he came.

Metacognition; 'thinking about thinking' at its finest. finally gave this song the lovin' it deserves. it started playing as I called out my usual "Thank you" to the bus driver. heard the first few chords followed by the first few words to the song and subconsciously headed in the direction to the park near my house.

can't recall if i've blogged about the significance of my expeditions to my most favorite place in the world, but in a nut-shell, having one of these always equal to momentuous levels of significance for me. i also find that its always some song that i'm listetning to that drives me to take a walk this walk back to reality (something to take note of). you'll probably get the jist of it as i continue on so i shall continue on ...

i remember the topic of dope Lauryn Hill / Fugees came up during SickStylz one time, and 'Selah' was brought up. i remember Cas' face lighting up upon hearing it; haven't seen this kind of joy in her eyes in a while. she ecstatically asked me if i knew the song, then she commented on the lyrics. haven't heard anyone speak about the lyrics to a song in a while too. & i mean the lyrics, yo. now i did have the song on my computer and in my mp3 (cus i'm so broke ass & my ipod got stolen in Cuba exactly last year), but it wasn't one of the songs of Lauryn's that i intently listen too. i remember the day so perfectly after our conversation. she danced with a new kind of meaning; there was a new kind of grace and liberty in her movement. she seemed so calm, so settled, at peace.

this entire moment replayed in my head as the song went on, and so i continued walking lit book in one hand, shoes that i grabbed from work to lend my sister in the other. the words were difficult to catch on at first, this due to my lack of focus as a stupid pedestrian. i thought and i thought and i thought constantly digging deeper. selah... selah... finally reached the park and a whole new atmosphere immerged, as with every adventure to this place. i walk a literal new path every time: crossing a different section in the grass, picking up my feet a ceratain way in the sand. i don't even make sure of it, it just happens. i walk to the place and in the way that song tells me, as if i was dancing in my own thoughts. selah... selah...

wow, i can honestly say that i can 'explicate' this song talking about it for hours and hours. & this isn't a conversation with confidence, for i still don't quite understand what Ms. Hill is trying to tell me. the equivocal-ity of brilliance she wrote about is just amazing. like Lisa & Ro said in lit earlier today, it's one of those (poems) that you enjoy simply reading so much because of the natural beauty each word was crafted in. still, you find it difficult when trying tell / write about every thought that both you and/or the (artist) have come across. you as the reader don't want to cross the line and misinterpret such a beauty.

i got home and looked up the lyrics still lost in her words, still with the song on replay. gosh, the verses speak for itself and i can 'close read' this song, line by line and will never capture its essence in its entirety.

though i misheard the hook, i think i caught a whiplash without even turning my head. those specific words within the chorus hit me so hard, i don't think i've ever felt this way about a song before.

And then He came, "Selah"
oh enemies
Praise and Meditation
And then He came, "Selahv"
Oh and it means
That it is seen

what's left to say is, this was the light that i needed. inspite of my intense bitter days that's just been stringing together, these wrong lyrics started such a fire within me. not a fire of passion, but of absolute pain. pain resulting from the stupidness of my thoughts, actions, and feelings. i've been angry with my friends for being stuck in themselves. i've been angry with my ma for (still) expecting to much from me. i've been angry with myself for listing meaningless excuses for my lack of muse, my disfavor for specific peoples.

... & all for what ?

Selah: "Let those with eyes see and with ears hear"
like 'Amen', stresses the importance of reality of what was said

i can't believe i thought so vulgarly
stared with deceiving eyes
spat with a quick tongue
spoke of utter frailites
not so much of myself, but of others.

And then God came, "Say love, oh enemies"
Praise in meditation
And then He came, "Say love, oh enemies"
D i d y o u t h i n k ' b o u t that ?
And then He came, "Say love"
That l o v e is seen .