Tuesday, June 9

i think everyone should have long entries...

...really assess how you been doing without interruptiong from the outside world. anyway

sorry!! last & final blog of the day, i promise. just really trying to soak (my last week) all in, maybe something extremely pivotal will happen years from now; i just want to be able to understand how i'd come about such Greatness.

now that i reeeeeally think about it, today was such a profound day. full of "last's" and potential.

this morning was my last Chamber class. i guess it didn't really kick in as hard as i thought it would cus there's still Grad choir tomorrow morning, meaning my last morning of waking up everyday at 5:45am for school. though it was expected / almost obliged to do so, i finally said my piece on the put-up chair. put-up chair is when time is taken out of class / rehearsal there are several things that i obviously do (ie: singing, dancing, the works) but its time and place that matter most. i pick my moments, if you haven't already figured that out, not for any specific reason, just when it feels right. hard to explain, but hopefully you're at least thinking about it. also hoping it drills in their heads this time haha (no pun intended). helps that Tallon was looking at me straight in the eye, but who knows. it was rather comforting, i'll admit. wow, this is really fragmented.. but anyway.. i'm happy i went up. it felt rewarding; wouldn't have felt the same any other day i don't think. i really poured my heart out, trying to piece together on the spot what i wanted to say (i'll elaborate more on that later). it really did feel good to have silence for once, so flattered that it was when i was talking too. please note that i'm very vague right now, but thank you so much Araujo, just for absolutely everything. thank you to John, Joey, Anna, Shenette, Marie, Michelle G, Nick, Tristan, Joe, Marvin, Christine, Tim Pang. you guys made it worthwhile for me for sure; just watching you guys excel.. its been a pleasure for sure.

last Lit class from Nannery too. eff, and i didn't even realize til later in the day too. i'm so buying my textbook, probably going to transfer all my notes from my binder and into my text too. my journal for my graduating year yo, $80 ain't even worth the honest words of Ms. Nannery (though i am broke). i'll mos def take you with me wherever i go, Love doesn't stop here. goodness, this is hella fragemented too. thank you so much Ms. Nannery. wouldn't be the person i am today if it weren't for you.

this isn't a last anything but i've been really thinking about a lot of things lately: Cali, dance, music, singing?, stupid stuff, my dad. everything just swimming in my head, some thoughts drowning, some gasping for air, some chillin' on the surface or within the depths within itself.

i reeeeally want / need to move to Cali. i feel like i can't literally move on and just live life unless i'm on my own so that i may fully realize what's been given to me. "i don't want to do anything without failing at it first." i want to start f r e s h, free of everything and anything: of judgements, expectations, fronts, the one end of ideals. i want to actually do everything on my own, not beginning with these distractors but with my own open mind. i've been so concerned for situations and individuals that weren't meant for my concern, its time that i rediscover myself and give to the world.

Music. shoot, what can i say? there's just way too much. i always think about what i'm gonna do with it now that no one's going to make me. i've grown up so disconnected from my first Love, my first language, performing and taking lessons because of the "potential", to support my family later on, to give my Thanks, to use my gifts amd so on. don't get me wrong, not that i disagree but that i have to have to reclaim it once again.. this time on mine own terms.

i really want to dance. all this feelings of discouragement and this unseen love i have for it is tearing me apart. "it's not my chance yet", "you gotta push yourself", "find your inspiration and just stick to it".. these all serve as reminders of what's yet to come for me, but i can't help but feel such discouragement all the time. i've been dancing for 10 years now, and so many have flown by me. i know its my own and levels of distinction that's keeping me from me, but i don't know. i don't know how to get out it. there's this spirit within me just waiting for me tap into it.

singing's always been a challenge (which is good). its so good to fight for what you love, & i haven't given up (nor will i ever). i've learned, most especially this year, that you don't always win; you can only convince people for too long, sometimes not at all. but shoot, i love the battle! i love experiencing the struggle in between the excellence that seemingly does not conquer. of only the world can agree. wow, drifted from my initial point.. i've been singing for as long as i can remember, but i've actually been singing since age 6. to this day, i still can't remember why i started with it in the first place. i've been caught up with doing it for the relief or benefit of others, it almost feels ornate in me.

so this leads to my point mentioned in the proceeding paragraphs: discovery of self.
"you have good Center"

i guess my journey officially begins here. huh.

Love, B

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